The secret signs your date is going down the gurgler

Masked ball 2


Your date gets arrested for armed robbery just before you’re about to meet up. Your date vomits the minute she sets eyes on you. Your date has got to get back to relieve the babysitter of her imaginary child. All red flags!

But then there are less obvious signs she wants to drop the zero (you) and get herself a hero (anyone who’s not you). I’ve selected a few that tell you the moment you part company, she’ll be swiping on Tinder till her thumbs are sore to find that standup guy that isn’t you (and also to block you, just in case you’re a nutter).

The hidden signs you won’t see her for dust again, although you think you will

1. She asks how long you’ve been online dating for

You’ve not downed too many beers, you’re not flying without a licence and you’ve not filled any awkward silences with a Star Wars joke Things are going grreeat!

But then:

‘So… how long have you been dating then?’

Translation: ‘How long have you had the unbearable defect in you that I’ve noticed in this last hour? The one so loathsome that no one in the right mind would want to see you again.’

She’s clearly decided that she doesn’t like the cut of your jib and just wants to confirm you are the undatable pleb you strike her as.

I’ve been single for about 6 years now. The only place for me is a monastery.

2. She wants to split the bill

It’s that awkward moment when you have to decide how to pay the bill. She reaches for her handbag while you rummage round in your own wallet and play for time to see whether she’s faking it or if she genuinely intends to pay.

Well blow me down if the date hasn’t just placed her of the bill on that little secret society dish made specially for waiting staff. This one’s a keeper!

But by paying her half she’s sending you a message: I’m independent. I can pay my way.

Actually, she’s sending you two messages: a) I’m independent. I can pay my way; and b) ‘That’s you and I done for the rest of our earthly lives, but hey, I’m doing the decent thing by paying for my coffee.’

You can safely assume she thinks you’re a cheapskate for allowing her to pay, too.

She’d be right, Tight Arse!

3. She talks about her ex or about previous dates (and how well it went)

Turns out her ex was on a £70,000 a week plus bonuses and coaches a children’s football team, don’tchaknow.

It’s the dating equivalent of a good hard kick in the cobblers. No one who’s into you will speak in such glowing terms of their ex. What they’re really telling you is you don’t cut the mustard.

You can do one of three things: a) nod, and then look for a children’s footie team to coach; b) seek out her ex and leather him; or c) tell a Stars Wars joke.  I never did find a decent kids footie team.

Have you detected any hidden signs? Or had any disaster dates? I’d love to hear them.

Image by JLKnoxvilled, by way of Creative Commons licence 2.o

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